Feeling...well...numb

Well, I don't know where to begin today.

Each day, I try to think about something interesting that happened, something exciting that I could take a picture of or share about.

There were no pictures today, there were no "exciting things," just some deep realizations:

1. The Church is much stronger than I thought. I've spoken to lay people, priests, and bishops, and I've heard their valid concerns: we are losing many battles. We have fought the pro-life battle for 30+ years and are only making incremental advancements. We have fewer religious than we did 30 years ago, more young people have little to no concern about being married in the Church (let along remaining a practicing Catholic). There's also the growing hostility of the secular world to religion (ie. Universities, Politicians, and the Media). Yet, after all that, I believe the Church is strong. Tonight I went to a Mass for the opening of the Congress of the Anthropology of the Human Person. The scene was impressive 150 Sodalites dressed in dark blue suits (Brothers who take vows of celebacy and obediance to the Pope), 50 religious sisters in habits, 25 priests, 2 Bishops, and 100s of people packed into the Church to celebrate Mass. This wasn't a normal Mass celebration, these were serious soldiers. You could have heard the congregation singing from at least a mile away.
2. The Church has many Saints. After Mass I met 15 or so people, including a few Americans that were in the CLM. They all wanted to know what I was doing here, which considering the length of my story, I spared them. Each one of them shared with me the type of work they're doing here, or what they'll be doing, and it wasn't out of pride, because they were deeply humble people, but it was clearly out of the Love of God that brought them to do the work that they were doing. I met 2 Sisters from the Philippines, who had gone there with nothing but faith. Now there are 7 of them, with 6 in formation to join them. I met a jack of all trades professor who spent time in the ghettos of Brazil working with the poorest of the poor, who also happens to be an intellectual and an expert on the Shroud of Turin.
3. I'm very special, but not. Probably for the first time in my life, I felt like there were so many people that were just like me. People with intellectual curiosity (and the IQ horsepower to drive it), an intense sense of adventure (yet tempered with prudence and obediance), an unyielding committment to God and the Church, and the courage to answer any call. It was like meeting God's Special Forces: there were the ground troops, specialists, generals, medics, drill sergents, nurses, the whole 9 yards. The incredible thing is that people are coming from all over the world to Peru and the CLM. They're not just Peruvians or South Americans, but folks for all 4 corners of the Earth - which is strange because the CLM is only in about 20 countries, but so many of them just have incredible stories of how they came to be here.
4. I think I'm going through a dark night of the soul (http://www.gotquestions.org/dark-night-soul.html). I know God is taking care of me, I don't have much anxiety about things (and why I'm here), but at the same time, I feel distant from Him. It's almost like He is teaching me not to be dependent on "feeling good," but instead being faithful without the "warm feeling" I had when I decided to come here. Let me be clear, I'm not doubting my decision, in fact I have no doubt that I should be here, but I think He's just trying to call me closer and I have no where to hide.
5. Life is so much clearer without distractions, but it also involves more suffering. It's been wonderful not having a cell phone, not having TV, not having the constant pounding of media and advertising that we get so much of in the US. It's also been nice to be lonely. It's been nice to have more prayer time, to be alone, to think, and to not be distracted by "work." Like Our Mother Mary said, "Totus Tous" (All Yours), nothing less. Yet, the consequences of this are everything. When you say "all yours," you have nothing (and everything). There is no place to hide, but also nothing to hide from. You have the promises of eternal life, but also the consequences of what that will mean while you're here. The question becomes not: "is it worth it?" but "what else is worth it?"