http://www.cnn.com/2009/WORLD/americas/01/10/peru.bus.crash/index.html
The stories of me in this bus are grossly exaggerated. It's deffinitely a sad story, but based off of my experience with Peruvian drivers, I'm surprised it doesn't happen more often.
Many of the people here do not learn how to drive like we do when we have a learner's permit. Instead, they buy a car and essentially just start driving. They have to pass a "test" to get a license, but I doubt it's anything like we take.
The most concerning manuever I've seen so far occured when we were at stop light, and when the light turned green, everybody that wanted to turn left, just started going, even down the wrong side of the street. This continued until oncoming traffic decided it was their turn!
Sunday, January 11, 2009
Saturday, January 10, 2009
The Shanty Towns
So I got my first look at what real poverty is today. The people that live in paloma have no where else to live. They have built their homes on mounds of sand, have basically no education, little food, and no health care. These are not lazy people, in fact, they are extremely hard working and creative with their work. They are very good handicraftsmen!
Water is a huge problem here. They actually don't ever get rain. Don't believe me? Look at the
expensive equipment that was donated that they leave outside. There's no threat of rain. They will even leave stacks of paper outside!I was also able to visit the CLM's clinics. They were incredibly impressive. Unlike in the US, they treat the entire person. All doctors and nurses must be trained to understand the human person as God sees them. What this means is that they don't just treat symptoms, but they treat the person, nurture their soul, and help them to see themself in the big picture of God's creation.
One of the most impactful places in the clinic was the pregnancy crises center. While Peru is a very Catholic country, there are so many people that have no Catholic formation. There just aren't enough workers in the field here to teach and form them. As a result, there's a good of women that get pregnant out of wedlock, and because they're poor they can't afford to have medical care. In response, the CLM set up this pregnancy center.
The pregnancy center teaches the mother at a very early stage about the sanctity of life, explains what's going on, and helps them to understand what an amazing gift this is. Legally, they must inform the women of all their options, and while abortion is illegal here, it is not very difficult to find a private doctor who will perform one illegally. Some women even come to the clinic after a private doctor has recommended an abortion. I'll share one story that I heard today about such an instance:
A woman two years ago went to the state hospital after discovering her pregnancy. She was examined and informed that her baby would not survive birth and encouraged her to abort the child. She was very uncertain as to what to do and by a recommendation from a friend, came to the CLM clinic. They took her in, provided a medical exam, and confirmed that the child would have a complicated birth, but also lovingly taught the mother about the beauty of every life, even a life they may not survive long.
After 7 months, the mother decided to have the child. She had a daughter that survived 3 days, was baptised and named Guadelupe. She asked the doctor and the nurse to be the God-parents and absolutey fell in love with her little girl. Even though the child only lived for 3 days, she praised God for the opportunity to have this child and 2 years later explained that if she had the abortion and later discovered all she knows now, she would have never been able to live with herself. She's now a huge advocate of the clinic!
Other services provided by the clinic is a daycare facility. The purpose is twofold. First, to provide the children with early Catechesis. Second, to give the parents a safe and productive place to leave their children to attend work. I asked if the children begin exclipsing their parents knoweldge, and sure enough they do, but the CLM also provides classes for parents so they can support their children during their development.
Finally, the clinic also provides psychological support for children and their parents. This is a place where parents can bring their children (or vis versa) and have sessions with a psychologist to find out why a child is acting up. They also teach children how to appropriate communicate and express themselves, again with the understanding of what the human person is in God's Creation.
The children I met were extremely well behaved and happy. It was amazing as to how simple this operation was, yet creative and effective! My first thought was: Boy, we could use this in the United States!!
Day 3
Which one of these families is more successful? The one with 3 stories...You can tell how successful a family is based on how many stories the house has. In this neighborhood, a house is built with one story, and as time goes on and the family acquires more money, they build up.
The shanty town that I may be working at on Saturday's. The people that live here essentially have built their community on sand. The poorer you are, the higher up the mountain you live. The CLM build stairs for them so they could walk up more easily. Also, the CLM provides an amazing array of services to take care of these people. I will document more about these services later.
I hope I don't have to drive in this place. This is not an accident, it's a normal "merge." Shortly after I took this picture, we zoomed by these cars and headed straight.A few things I miss...
So at my going away party, I was asked what I thought I would miss most. I had no idea at the time, but after a few days, let me give you a quick top 5 list:
1) Stop Lights
First, I miss the fact that people actually use them in the U.S. Second, I miss that they actually exist there. There are almost 9 million people in Lima, it's a huge city, but there are very few lights! Instead of lights, people make "U Turns" all over the place. There are sections of the median that open up and cars fight there way into traffic and make a "U Turn" and then a right to get where they are going. Doesn't seem to safe.
2) Warm/hot showers
It's summer here and people are very hot, but the temperature is only in the high 70s or low 80s. So of course they're not going to have the hot water heater on. Which means showers with very, very cold water. I didn't realize how much I enjoyed hot showers!
3) Taller People
It seems strange, but it's true. Think about it for a moment: my spanish stinks, I'm still wearing American clothes, and I'm the tallest person around. So much for trying to fit in!
4) Confidence in what I'm saying
I don't claim to have the best english vocabulary, but I'd say it's above average. It's very humbling to go from having a lot of confidence in what you're saying to absolutely none. Is something "facil" or "defacil"? No se!
5) Cell phone
This is a mixed bag. I absolutely love the fact that I haven't had a functioning cell phone for the last few days, but I am totally screwed if I get lost or something happens to me, but don't worry Mom, I'll have a local cell phone on Monday!
5.5) My family/friends
This goes without saying, but if I don't put it in here nobody will ever read this blog again! I miss you guys!
1) Stop Lights
First, I miss the fact that people actually use them in the U.S. Second, I miss that they actually exist there. There are almost 9 million people in Lima, it's a huge city, but there are very few lights! Instead of lights, people make "U Turns" all over the place. There are sections of the median that open up and cars fight there way into traffic and make a "U Turn" and then a right to get where they are going. Doesn't seem to safe.
2) Warm/hot showers
It's summer here and people are very hot, but the temperature is only in the high 70s or low 80s. So of course they're not going to have the hot water heater on. Which means showers with very, very cold water. I didn't realize how much I enjoyed hot showers!
3) Taller People
It seems strange, but it's true. Think about it for a moment: my spanish stinks, I'm still wearing American clothes, and I'm the tallest person around. So much for trying to fit in!
4) Confidence in what I'm saying
I don't claim to have the best english vocabulary, but I'd say it's above average. It's very humbling to go from having a lot of confidence in what you're saying to absolutely none. Is something "facil" or "defacil"? No se!
5) Cell phone
This is a mixed bag. I absolutely love the fact that I haven't had a functioning cell phone for the last few days, but I am totally screwed if I get lost or something happens to me, but don't worry Mom, I'll have a local cell phone on Monday!
5.5) My family/friends
This goes without saying, but if I don't put it in here nobody will ever read this blog again! I miss you guys!
Friday, January 9, 2009
Day 2
Me at dinner...Gringo Grande!
I stand about 8-12" above these people!
The Cathedral of Lima
Yes, that's 4 people in the back of a cab!
My apartment/work
The courtyard
Sr. Thomas' neighborhood.
Today was a very interesting day. I worked on some more fundraising activities for CNA and went to lunch down the street with some of my colleagues. We ate at this very quaint little cafe. I ordered an absolutely delicious club like sandwich. What made this sandwich so good was actually kind of strage. Instead of putting normal fresh spinach on it, they put cooked spinach and it was amazing! I also ordered an orange/strawberry juice. It took a while for it to show up, but when it did, I realized why: they made their own juices there! It was delicious! I finished up lunch with freshly made cheesecake with real strawberry sauce.
I finally had the opportunity to change my American dollars into Nuevo Sols today. A Peruvian who didn't speak any english took me to the bank. We had an interesting time trying to communicate, but we got through it. We took a tiny bus to the bank.
So let me first say, I'm a GIANT here! I have yet to see someone 6' tall, let alone taller than me. I am on average 8-12" taller than people on the street! So imagine me in a tiny bus, in rush hour, standing up. Needless-to-say my neck really hurts! Too bad I didn't get a picture of it, because it must have been a sight to see!
Tonight we went to El Centro (aka downtown). At some good ole' American type roasted chicken, and we had to have our Coca Cola as well. I continue to struggle with my intake of desserts (I had 2!). The first was before dinner, it's a Peruvian dessert that was made with some type of custard and rice, doesn't sound so great but it was. I also finished dinner with some gelato.
I'm beat, it's almost mid-night and I need to be up tomorrow to visit one of the poorest parts of Lima....Buenos Noche
Thursday, January 8, 2009
Some Pictures from Day 1
All this food ended up costing us less than $30 with drinks...also our 20 minute cab ride was $4...
Checking out my new Apartment
I've arrived in Peru! It is very similar to what I thought it would be. The people are very nice. The city is very densly populated, you can tell they've had economic prosperity in the last few years because there are some very new, upper class apartments/condos near where I am staying, but also some cold war era type buildings. I'm sharing an apartment above ACI Prensa (The Catholic News Agency of South America). The building is guarded by a 10 ft wall that has an electrified wire at the top. There is a guard that protects the building during the day, and all the doors lock with a key behind you. It seems just a building the "A Team" would be breaking into! The building is a maze of narrow hallways and stairways. There are random doors and little rooms all over the place. Traveling up to the second floor, you will find my room, but first, you walk through a small 8x10 living room, then into my roommates room, then a door off to the left is where you enter my room. It's larger than I expected, maybe 12x14. I have a desk, a small closet and a single sized bed. To get to the bathroom, you must exit my room and walk through my roommate's room to enter it. Inside you will see 2 showers on the right, and 2 toilets on the left. The toilets are right next to each other with no divider. Hmmmmm....That's not going to happen! This afternoon in went with my roommate to lunch. We took a 20 minute cab ride that cost only $4. After that ride, there's no way I would want to drive my own car in this country. Just think about those movies where utter chaos is happening on the streets. Cars running red lights, people selling things on the street walking all around with no fear of cars, congested traffic, and huge buses trying to manuever like a Mini!
We met some of Jose's friends in Chinatown. There we ate a huge meal! I'm talking like 3 course with enough food to feed 8 people. I thought there's no way 4 of us are going to eat this! They also introduced me to "Inca Kola." They told me it tastes like bubble gum, and sure enough it did. It wasn't something I would volunteer to drink again with Chinese food, but it was interesting! They also ordered me some type of margarita like drink that was made from grapes. It was delicious! The entire meal, 4 big plates, drinks for all four of us, and appetizers only costed us about $28 with tip!
I've set up shop in the office downstairs and my first assignment is to do some research for the agency!
We met some of Jose's friends in Chinatown. There we ate a huge meal! I'm talking like 3 course with enough food to feed 8 people. I thought there's no way 4 of us are going to eat this! They also introduced me to "Inca Kola." They told me it tastes like bubble gum, and sure enough it did. It wasn't something I would volunteer to drink again with Chinese food, but it was interesting! They also ordered me some type of margarita like drink that was made from grapes. It was delicious! The entire meal, 4 big plates, drinks for all four of us, and appetizers only costed us about $28 with tip!
I've set up shop in the office downstairs and my first assignment is to do some research for the agency!
The Plane Ride to Peru
On the plane, I had some very interesting thoughts as I was filling out my customs paperwork. Simple questions became very complex:
What is your occupation?
-Good question. Am I unemployed? Does missionary count? Is that what I am? Hmmm...Supervisor feels safe...
What is your nationality?
-American?
Why are you traveling to Peru?
-Tourist? Business? Health? Visiting friends/family? All of the above and none of the above?
What is your Peruvian address?
-Another good question. Not sure?
How long will you be staying?
-So simple, but really complex. One year sounds good.
So, something simple that should have taken 5 minutes to fill out took me about 30 minutes. I went from a super safe, comfortable world to a world where simple questions became super challenging. Luckily the Peruvian woman on the plane next to me decided to ask me what time it was.
Simple question with a simple answer. Yet, I froze and just showed her my watch. It was my first chance to speak Spanish, and all I could do was point to my watch. After about 5 minutes, I got up the courage to begin speaking to her in Spanish to redeem myself. We talked for about in hour in broken Spanish/English. Interestingly enough, her English was worse than my Spanish so neither of us felt uncomfortable fumbling through our dialogue.
Surprisingly, we learned quite a bit about each other, our families, our jobs, why we were traveling. It certainly gave me a boost of confidence to begin speaking with a little more courage. She ended up asking me for my email address so that we could be in contact in Peru. I affectionately called her mi madre de Peru.
She also assisted me through customs and finally through the baggage claim area. I gave her a kiss goodbye and met Alejandro outside customs.
What is your occupation?
-Good question. Am I unemployed? Does missionary count? Is that what I am? Hmmm...Supervisor feels safe...
What is your nationality?
-American?
Why are you traveling to Peru?
-Tourist? Business? Health? Visiting friends/family? All of the above and none of the above?
What is your Peruvian address?
-Another good question. Not sure?
How long will you be staying?
-So simple, but really complex. One year sounds good.
So, something simple that should have taken 5 minutes to fill out took me about 30 minutes. I went from a super safe, comfortable world to a world where simple questions became super challenging. Luckily the Peruvian woman on the plane next to me decided to ask me what time it was.
Simple question with a simple answer. Yet, I froze and just showed her my watch. It was my first chance to speak Spanish, and all I could do was point to my watch. After about 5 minutes, I got up the courage to begin speaking to her in Spanish to redeem myself. We talked for about in hour in broken Spanish/English. Interestingly enough, her English was worse than my Spanish so neither of us felt uncomfortable fumbling through our dialogue.
Surprisingly, we learned quite a bit about each other, our families, our jobs, why we were traveling. It certainly gave me a boost of confidence to begin speaking with a little more courage. She ended up asking me for my email address so that we could be in contact in Peru. I affectionately called her mi madre de Peru.
She also assisted me through customs and finally through the baggage claim area. I gave her a kiss goodbye and met Alejandro outside customs.
Thursday, January 1, 2009
"Despite a 70% pay cut, I'm kinda happy..."
http://money.cnn.com/2009/01/01/news/economy/pay_cuts/index.htm?cnn=yes
The article above is a sign of the times, but hopefully when we read news like this, we more than empathize with those that are going through challenging times. We must also reflect on what got us into this mess and what can we learn from it.
Yesterday I was eating lunch with a couple of friends from high school. We were discussing world events, my impending trip to Peru, and communication between us going forward. At one point a friend of mine called from France, at another point, one of the people having lunch with me received a call from his sister in Spain. This led to a conversation about things that have become "needs."
Our cell phones are now a need, we must also have unlimited text messaging, Internet, 1000 minutes, and a touch screen (I'm guilty of having all of the above). Yet, one must ask: "what did we do before all of this?" This tech package runs me about $90 per month. Writing that out just makes me feel sick! Then there's the navigation package we have in our cars, the flat screen TV with HD, and now this Blue-Ray DVD thing.
What would you do if your pay dropped 70%? What would you cut out? How many of us budget? Do we really know where our money goes, or is it better that we don't balance our checkbooks and review our credit card statements because we don't really want to deal with our poor stewardship with our money. Again, I'm guilty of many of these things.
After reading the CNN article above, however, it really made me think about how recessions are a good cleansing for society. Now don't get me wrong, there are certainly a lot of terrible things that happen to real people during times like this, but I think during economic prosperity we tend to become afraid of sacrifice.
The man quoted at the end of the article says, "I'm kinda happy." He may just be happy to have a job, but I would actually pose that he's "kinda happy" about shedding some of the distractions in his life, some of the wants that became "needs."
At work we have a leadership training called "Back to Basics," I can't think of a better thing for our economy, for society, for families, than a "Back to Basics" type class. Let's turn down the music, switch off the TV, close down the computer, ignore that last text message we received, and get to know our neighbor - not the neighbor halfway around the world, but our next door neighbor. Let's also remember what good credit and bad credit is, realize that we can't love things, but only people.
There have been many commentators who have analyzed the culture war that is underway in the US today. Some cite the differences between rural and urban Americans, their political and religious practices, as well as the way they see the world. For me, I think the difference is in how they see their neighbor. The rural American, even though their neighbor may be a mile down the road, knows their neighbor better than those of us who live with 1,000 people in a square mile!
There's no question that both sides can learn something from one another, but to me, we need to get back to the basics and consider what happiness really is. Then, and only then, can we be "kinda happy" with a 70% pay cut.
The article above is a sign of the times, but hopefully when we read news like this, we more than empathize with those that are going through challenging times. We must also reflect on what got us into this mess and what can we learn from it.
Yesterday I was eating lunch with a couple of friends from high school. We were discussing world events, my impending trip to Peru, and communication between us going forward. At one point a friend of mine called from France, at another point, one of the people having lunch with me received a call from his sister in Spain. This led to a conversation about things that have become "needs."
Our cell phones are now a need, we must also have unlimited text messaging, Internet, 1000 minutes, and a touch screen (I'm guilty of having all of the above). Yet, one must ask: "what did we do before all of this?" This tech package runs me about $90 per month. Writing that out just makes me feel sick! Then there's the navigation package we have in our cars, the flat screen TV with HD, and now this Blue-Ray DVD thing.
What would you do if your pay dropped 70%? What would you cut out? How many of us budget? Do we really know where our money goes, or is it better that we don't balance our checkbooks and review our credit card statements because we don't really want to deal with our poor stewardship with our money. Again, I'm guilty of many of these things.
After reading the CNN article above, however, it really made me think about how recessions are a good cleansing for society. Now don't get me wrong, there are certainly a lot of terrible things that happen to real people during times like this, but I think during economic prosperity we tend to become afraid of sacrifice.
The man quoted at the end of the article says, "I'm kinda happy." He may just be happy to have a job, but I would actually pose that he's "kinda happy" about shedding some of the distractions in his life, some of the wants that became "needs."
At work we have a leadership training called "Back to Basics," I can't think of a better thing for our economy, for society, for families, than a "Back to Basics" type class. Let's turn down the music, switch off the TV, close down the computer, ignore that last text message we received, and get to know our neighbor - not the neighbor halfway around the world, but our next door neighbor. Let's also remember what good credit and bad credit is, realize that we can't love things, but only people.
There have been many commentators who have analyzed the culture war that is underway in the US today. Some cite the differences between rural and urban Americans, their political and religious practices, as well as the way they see the world. For me, I think the difference is in how they see their neighbor. The rural American, even though their neighbor may be a mile down the road, knows their neighbor better than those of us who live with 1,000 people in a square mile!
There's no question that both sides can learn something from one another, but to me, we need to get back to the basics and consider what happiness really is. Then, and only then, can we be "kinda happy" with a 70% pay cut.
Monday, December 29, 2008
Why Peru? Why Now?
Here's the story of how I came to make this big decision. The beginning is a little slow, but it picks up along the way!
July 2008
I’ve just moved from an Investment Specialist Team Leader over to the Investment Consultant TL role, and I’m really excited to start with a new team and learn a slightly different role. The past few months have been a rollercoaster of highs and lows as far as my passion for my job. Some weeks I am disengaged and wondering if this is the right fit for me, while others I am focused on an exciting new project. After the newness of the project wears off, I realize it is not an issue of my job not being engaging enough, or exciting, but of me not being the right fit for the job.
Vanguard in a lot of ways was a dream job for me coming out of school. It was in the industry that I was excited about; it held the ethics that were non-negotiable for me, and the strong family-like culture created an environment that I wanted to become a part of. Yet, for some reason I felt like I was missing something that Vanguard couldn’t (and maybe shouldn’t) provide.
In the middle of July, a new position opened up in Pennsylvania that I thought would be a great fit for me. This position would not only offer me the opportunity to have added responsibilities, but would also allow me to transition back East, a new beginning at our headquarters might quiet my career anxiety I thought.
I prepared for the interview and case study with many trusted peers and managers, prepared a transition plan, and refined my resume. I made up my mind that I was going to throw my entire energy behind obtaining this position.
August
The night before my interview, I received a phone call from my college roommate who had since moved on and entered the St. John Vianney Seminary to become a Catholic priest. We have stayed in touch, so his call was not that out of the ordinary. He excitedly shared with me that one of our other college friends was going to be interviewed on the Catholic Channel EWTN.
Sr. Mary Hannah is a member of the Sisters of Mercy and after leaving Regis University, she entered the convent, became a religious sister, traveled to Rome, and is studying Philosophy and Theology.
In the interview, she shared many of the amazing experiences she’s had since dedicating her life to God and the Church. These included running retreats, taking care of the least fortunate, and sharing her love for God in many different ways. Her interview hit me like a ton of bricks!
During one of the commercials, my good friend Archbishop Chaput was featured along with a new book he had just written, another commercial showed Jason Everett, a former member of my Parish talking about one of his new books.
“Wow,” I thought, “what amazing work these folks are doing, and what a privilege to know them!”
I spent the rest of the evening reading about them on the internet, instead of preparing for my interview the next day. I could figure out why I was not focused on a job that just two hours before, I had wanted so badly.
The interview was average and I was disappointed that I had not performed as well as I had in previous mock-interview settings. I didn’t dwell much on my average performance, because I was off to New York City for a Yankees/Red Sox game. After boarding the plane, a very well refined 50-something year old couple sat down next to me.
After the in-flight movie started, the man next to me began to start the casual conversation that usually accompanies a 5 hour flight. After he purchased the $5 headphones to listen to the movie, we discovered our entire row’s audio equipment was non-functional. We then bonded over airline industry jokes, and began to strike up a real conversation. He shared with me how they had just taken a two week trip to Dubai, spent $150k on the total expedition, including a $42 scoop of ice cream at their hotel. He also recounted his days as a high rolling insurance sales executive, at the same time sharing how his wife, who was sitting next to me, is a Vice President at Metlife.
The conversation was fascinating. We conversed about economics, politics, business, sports, and careers. Near the end of the flight, he paused, looked at me and asked, “How old are you, and how did you turn out so well?” I was dumbfounded by the question and asked, “What?”
He then went on to explain to me how lost his children were, each with either their own diagnosed psychological problem and/or basic complacency. As he began to describe his failures and faults as a father, he started to tear up and become emotional. His words still resonate with me today, “If I had it all to do over again, I would have just been a good father…” These words pierced my heart. For the last 4 hours, I had been following his every word as he described his exotic trips, the many overpriced cars, and the spacious 12,000 foot house they just remodeled. Yet, this man was empty. Up until this point, I wanted to be this man.
After the plane landed, we exchanged business cards and he invited me to look him up after my trip to enjoy wine and dinner at his home. I took the card and promised to call him when I returned.
Upon arriving in NYC, I met a high school friend who is currently attending law school at Columbia. Instead of staying in a hotel, I decided to safe some cash and stay on his couch. As Columbia was on my short list for top Business Schools, I stopped at the campus and walked around. My goal was to observe the students and get a feel for what the culture was like. What I found was a very individualistic campus. Students didn’t walk around in groups; there wasn’t the same friendliness that I encountered at a small Catholic undergraduate school. Nobody said good morning, people weren’t smiling; it just seemed like a very competitive, self absorbed campus. The only people that said hello were two Dominican priests walking the campus praying their rosary. My gut told me this was not the environment that I wanted to spend 2 years studying business.
After arriving back in Phoenix, I attended a talk given by a Boston College Professor, Dr. Peter Kreeft. He’s been one of my favorite speakers/authors for the last 3 or 4 years, written over 50 books on philosophy, theology, and CS Lewis. So, needless-to-say, I was excited at the opportunity to hear him speak on a relevant subject, the Culture War. His talk centered on the book, The Screwtape Letters written by CS Lewis. The book is based upon the fictional letters of Screwtape, a demon, writing to his superior about how he’s tempting a certain British Solider during WWII. It provides incredible insight into the workings of evil and how temptation works in our lives. I have included a few impactful quotes that help deliver the gist of the book:
“And while he thinks that, we do not have to contend with the explicit repentance of a definite, fully recognized, sin, but only with his vague, though uneasy, feeling that he hasn’t been doing very well lately. This dim uneasiness needs careful handling. If it gets too strong it may wake him up and spoil the whole game. On the other hand, if you suppress it entirely - which, by the by, the Enemy will probably not allow you to do - we lose an element in the situation which can be turned to good account. If such a feeling is allowed to live, but not allowed to become irresistible and flower into real repentance, it has one invaluable tendency. It increases the patient’s reluctance to think about the Enemy.”
“Indeed the safest road to hell is the gradual one - the gentle slope, soft underfoot, without sudden turnings, without milestones, without signposts.”
Similarly, Dr. Kreeft’s talk focused on the 7 ways Satan is trying to win the Culture War. He broke it down into an acronym: P.H.O.N.E.Y.S.
Politicization: treating politics as a religion, realitivize religion, sacrifice local issues to work globally, love humanity but not your neighbor, and telescopic philanthropy
Happy-talk: Always talk up the success of the Church over the last 40 years without dealing with the tough facts, universal tolerance, shun the word sin
Organizationalism: Worship success, fear failure not sin, use the Church as an Earthly business
Neo-worship: Substitute new for the truth, ignore the strongest weapons in the tradition of the Church
Egalitarianism: eliminating gender differences, treating men as women and women as men, reduce justice to mean equality, promotion of sameness
Yuppies: the idea that people are unable/unwilling to sacrifice, embrace Christ without the cross
Spiritualize Everything: replace objectivity with subjectivity, replace charity with philanthropy, belief for feel
He also laid out how the Church must fight this Culture War:
Politics: Render to Caesar what is Caesars, use weapons of Christ- not compromise, don’t reverse means vs. the ends, remember to incorporate truth and love
Shut up with the Happy-talk and fight!
Don’t be an Organizational man: cleanse your mind, be contemplative
Forget fashion and Neo’s: attach to Christ, not the clock
Conquer the Sexual Revolution: eliminate selfishness, eliminate moral relativism, reduce divorces, it’s the root of most serious dissent from the Church, no civilization has existed with the belief that moral relativism as it’s core belief
Don’t be a Yuppie, be a Saint! Sacrifice, give, self-sacrifice out of love
Near the end of his talk, again, I was left with words to reflect upon. He concluded, “The only way to win this war is to have more Saints! What would this world look like with 12 Mother Teresa’s? How much more love and peace would we have? As a Catholic Christian, as a human being, we are all called to be Saints! We were created by God, to be Saints. What are you doing today, to become a Saint? I leave you with that…”
What am I doing to become a Saint? Much like CS Lewis’ Screwtape Letters, I was on a gradual down slop. Nothing major, no milestones, or signposts that would have me believe otherwise, just a certain degree of lukewarmness. Sure, Saints could be made in Scottsdale working for a great company like Vanguard, but I couldn’t. After listening to this man speak for the last 2 hours, I knew, I needed a change in my life. I was being slowly rocked to sleep by complacency in my faith life.
The next day I went to church and reflected on how these 7 temptations that the Devil was using against society, how grown in my heart. I just didn’t consider the sinful actions that came from these temptations, but the very root at which they were allowed to grow within my heart.
After about an hour of prayer and reflection, I confessed my sins, with much detail and description as to my thoughts, my motivations, and my actions. But even more than that, I went back to the beginning and recounted the progression of these thoughts, motivations, and actions.
Now, I go to confession on a monthly basis, so this shouldn’t have been such a big deal, yet it was probably the most grace-filled confession I had ever had. The burdens of my sins were lifted, my mind was clear, and my heart desired the truth and love that only God could provide. Leaving the confessional, I knew that something drastic needed to happen; I never wanted to be chained to my selfishness again.
The following day, August 31, I went to Sunday Mass and heard the following readings:
Jer 20:7–9
You duped me, O LORD, and I let myself be duped; you were too strong for me, and you triumphed. All the day I am an object of laughter; everyone mocks me.
8
Whenever I speak, I must cry out, violence and outrage is my message; The word of the LORD has brought me derision and reproach all the day.
9
I say to myself, I will not mention him, I will speak in his name no more. But then it becomes like fire burning in my heart, imprisoned in my bones; I grow weary holding it in, I cannot endure it.
Rom 12:1–2
I urge you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God, your spiritual worship.
2
Do not conform yourselves to this age but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and pleasing and perfect.
Mt 16:21–27
From that time on, Jesus began to show his disciples that he 17 must go to Jerusalem and suffer greatly from the elders, the chief priests, and the scribes, and be killed and on the third day be raised.
22
18 Then Peter took him aside and began to rebuke him, "God forbid, Lord! No such thing shall ever happen to you."
23
He turned and said to Peter, "Get behind me, Satan! You are an obstacle to me. You are thinking not as God does, but as human beings do."
24
19 Then Jesus said to his disciples, "Whoever wishes to come after me must deny himself, 20 take up his cross, and follow me.
25
For whoever wishes to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will find it. 21
26
What profit would there be for one to gain the whole world and forfeit his life? Or what can one give in exchange for his life?
27
22 For the Son of Man will come with his angels in his Father's glory, and then he will repay everyone according to his conduct.
28
23 Amen, I say to you, there are some standing here who will not taste death until they see the Son of Man coming in his kingdom."
“My God,” I thought, “This is serious! He’s not messing around. He really and truly wants me to do something for Him. I hope it’s not going to be painful…”
Even reading these passages today gives me chills and brings tears to my eyes. I had no idea what was in store for me over the next week…
I went home and promptly wrote an email to Archbishop Chaput seeking his council on how I should proceed. Within an hour he had written back to me and we agreed to chat the next day.
September
Before he called, I had already thought of how I would position what was happening in my life. If I played it down a bit, as if I was just “thinking” about a life redirection, maybe he would challenge me as much as he usually does. I’ll play it off like I’m searching for a new way to give back to the Church, or thinking of a ministry that could possibly benefit from my time and talent, but after I picked up my phone, my plan crumbled underneath me.
I distinctly remember shaking for much of the conversation, much as you would shake after getting out of a cold shower, yet I wasn’t cold. His Excellency has such a peaceful, matter of fact tone that it cut right through any plan I had.
After our normal pleasantries, he cut right to the chase, “What’s going on Ryan?” and out it came in full detail. I told him about the anxiety in my heart the last several months, I told him about the job I was applying for and how I thought if I could just get through a few more years, get an MBA at a top school, I would be set. I told him about my experiences on the plane, Dr. Kreeft’s talk, my confession, and my desire to serve God and the Church above all else.
“Well, what do you want to do about this desire?”
“Damn, he’s good,” I thought, “straight to the point, no beating around.” So out came words and ideas I hadn’t given much thought to, “I think I need to go on a mission somewhere. I think I need to live more simply. Maybe I need to learn how to love more unselfishly.” Where was this coming from? I couldn’t turn it off!
He asked permission to give my email address to a Peruvian friend of his. I agreed to learn more about this mission opportunity, and before he got off the phone he cautioned me, “Ryan, because you’re considering this change, you will be tempted to stay. I wouldn’t be surprised if they offered you that job you applied for…” I laughed and we promised to stay in contact about what might transpire out of this.
An overwhelming sense of calmness came over me, the shaking stopped, and I felt relieved that I had been so open about desires that I had suppressed. At the same time, I knew he was right about temptations to turn away from these initial signs.
The following day I went to work and on my way home, I received a phone call from one of my really good friends inviting me out to dinner. He lives down the street from me, but because he was working he temporarily (he’s from France), he didn’t own a car. So, I picked him up, we ate a great dinner at this Italian restaurant and on the way home, he asked if we could return a couple of movies he rented from Blockbuster. I agreed and we went.
For the last year, I had fasted from having television in my home. So when the opportunity came up to stop at Blockbuster, I thought it was a great chance to pick up a movie (since I was starved for some form of video entertainment). As my friend dropped off the movies, I paroled the aisles looking for an interesting flick. After an hour of wandering, I gave up. The typical movies that I enjoyed weren’t resonating with me. Nothing looked satisfying. After I announced defeat, my very patient friend looked relieved and we started to walk toward the exit. Before we got there, a movie jumped out at me: Mother Teresa.
“There’s no way I can get this movie. No way. What will my friend think of me? What about the people in line? They’ll think I’m some kind of religious nutcake…” Then I thought about how stupid this was, “I could check out a movie with a half naked woman on it, and nobody would think twice. Why CAN’T I check this movie out?”
After checking out the movie, I went back to my parent’s house to watch it and feed the cat since they were out of town for the week. I ate dinner, took care of a few chores, sat down, and threw the movie in.
This movie simply put, captivated me from the first few minutes. Here is a woman that has nothing that the world says is required to be successful: she certainly wasn’t beautiful, she didn’t have a high IQ, nor a sharp tongue, she didn’t network well, and she wasn’t going to let anybody know when she did something well. Instead, here was this simply, humble, loving woman. She never tried to do anything big; she just did little things with a lot of love!
Many of us know about Mother Teresa, but I challenge you to read the short biography of her life: http://www.motherteresa.org/layout.html
I was struck by how simple this woman was. Unlike the rich man that I met on the plane, here was a woman that wanted nothing more than to serve, not be served. I felt that God was showing me a comparison between what the world viewed as success and what he viewed as success. At a few different points in the movie, I was completely overwhelmed with how beautiful her life was, and how I desired to live and serve like she did.
That night before going to bed, I got down on my knees and prayed a very simple prayer to God:
“Father, I don’t know what you’re asking of me, but let me tell you what’s on my heart: I want to be well off. I want to own a nice, spacious, expensive home, drive beautiful new cars, make a lot of money, support a family, and be well respected in my profession. Yet, if I’m not made for this, transform my heart. I’m not humble enough to see what you want of me, but I give you permission to humble me so that I can see your will.”
In my experience, God always answers 2 types of prayers: prayer for more faith and prayer for more humility. Consistent as can be, He delivered. I woke up at 3 am that morning with the worst case of food poisoning I had ever had, I was so sick! I laid in bed for the next 4 hours, rolling around and hoping it would subside. At 7, I crawled out of bed and prayed courageously:
“God, I offer up this suffering for all the souls that do not know you, or who have strayed away. Lord, if this is the answer to my prayer, again I say to you, I give you permission to humble me so that I can see your will.”
Again he answered. I stayed home with this illness for the next 2 days. On that first morning, however, I stumbled my way toward the couch, covered myself in a blanket, and turned on the TV for some consolation. I flipped through a few channels before landing on EWTN. There, I found Mother Teresa waiting for me. She was dressed in her normal Sisters of Charity habit, in the background was a black wall, and she was speaking about love. Here are some of her quotes from that day:
“We think sometimes that poverty is only being hungry, naked and homeless. The poverty of being unwanted, unloved and uncared for is the greatest poverty. We must start in our own homes to remedy this kind of poverty.
Even the rich are hungry for love, for being cared for, for being wanted, for having someone to call their own.
I do not pray for success, I ask for faithfulness.
In this life we cannot do great things. We can only do small things with great love.
There are no great things, only small things with great love. Happy are those.
Jesus said love one another. He didn't say love the whole world.
Loneliness and the feeling of being unwanted is the most terrible poverty.”
Needless-to-say, a man who is sick, hungry but cannot eat, feverish, and emotional is going to lose it at some point along the way. Mother Teresa was that catalyst for me. It was the first good hard cry in a while. Her words just had such a sharp, piercing affect on my heart, that I was absolutely powerless against it.
After the program was over, I did what any self-respecting man would do after he cries; I turned the channel to the least emotional thing I could find: CSPAN. The network is known for its non-stop coverage of American Politics, so while there can be emotional outbursts from politicians from time-to-time, there’s no way I’m going to be getting emotional watching a debate on a new spending bill or global warming. CSPAN was actually covering the Republican National Convention this week and they were doing a special presentation on Cindy McCain, and since I knew little to nothing about her, I tuned it, and boy, did God use my stubbornness. In this special, they featured Mother Teresa. Apparently, John and Cindy adopted a child from Bangladesh in the early 90s, and here’s Mother Teresa all over this special.
What are the odds I thought? So, I turned off the television and took a nap. I didn’t want to deal with this anymore. After my nap, I woke up to find a Mother Teresa cartoon on EWTN. This was ridiculous! I hadn’t seen any specials on this woman in years, and then I get hit with all these sightings in such a short period of time?
The next day I was still very sick and stayed home from work. I reflected on what had happened the day before, and decided to look up some information on Mother Teresa. The first Google search result came back with a Wikipedia page. I clicked in and was amazed at what I saw. September 5th, 1997 was the day of her death. I double checked the date, and sure enough, it was September 5th, 2008! I dropped down on my knees and asked her to pray for me and my vocation that God would make it clear what He was asking of me.
After recovering, I felt well enough to travel down to Tucson to visit a friend attending Med School at U of A. I was excited to see her and meet the future doctors of America. What I found when I got down there surprised me. These future doctors did not seem at all concerned with the seriousness of their vocation to treat and heal people, but were more interested with the bottom line salary reward they would be earning. I heard about the cars and houses, the vacation spots, and the overall life that awaiting them. In any other month, this probably would be something that I would brush off, but not this month, not with the ultra sensitive heart God had bestowed upon me recently. I was appalled by this talk.
That night, before I went to bed, I prayed another very simple prayer:
“Father, you have shown me so much of these past 2 weeks. I see the dichotomy between worldly success and faithfulness, and I choose faithfulness. Please make it clear to me what it is that you want from me. I’m very stubborn, so please just make it clear…”
Awaking the next morning, I packed up my bag and began to head back to Phoenix. As it was a Sunday, I needed to attend Mass. I decided I would just go to Mass in Tucson, and then I could spend the rest of my day doing whatever I wanted. Selfish I know…The St. Xavier del Bac Mission was only 20 minutes away, and after doing a quick check of Mass times on my phone, was going to be the best place for me to do my Sunday duty. After arriving at the mission, I changed in the car and headed into the church, grabbed a seat one of the 300 year old pews and opened up the readings for the day. What I found sealed my fate.
Six years earlier, November 15th, 2002, I was ready to transfer from Regis University. It wasn’t the school I needed it to be. Was it Catholic? Yes, but mostly by name. It was much more secular than I expected, much more liberal, and the Mass’ didn’t feel Catholic to me. Was I running on a Cross Country scholarship? Yes, but I didn’t get along well with my team. Did I have friends? Yes, but they weren’t like the friends I had left behind at home. These friends partied too much and didn’t hold the same values that I did.
It finally came to the tipping point; I was online looking at other Catholic schools, when I realized I should just pray about this before completely changing course. I opened my daily Bible (that I hadn’t been reading) to the November 15th reading. This is what I found:
Ezekiel 31:1-32:32
On the first day of the third month in the eleventh year, the word of the LORD came to me…
http://www.usccb.org/nab/bible/ezekiel/ezekiel31.htm
http://www.usccb.org/nab/bible/ezekiel/ezekiel32.htm
I read this passage, not remembering the story of Ezekiel and was astonished. I needed to read this from the beginning. So, I did:
Son of man, stand up! I wish to speak with you.
2
2 As he spoke to me, spirit entered into me and set me on my feet, and I heard the one who was speaking
3
say to me: Son of man, I am sending you to the Israelites, rebels who have rebelled against me; they and their fathers have revolted against me to this very day.
4
Hard of face and obstinate of heart are they to whom I am sending you. But you shall say to them: Thus says the Lord GOD!
5
And whether they heed or resist--for they are a rebellious house--they shall know that a prophet has been among them.
6
3 But as for you, son of man, fear neither them nor their words when they contradict you and reject you, and when you sit on scorpions. Neither fear their words nor be dismayed at their looks, for they are a rebellious house.
7
(But speak my words to them, whether they heed or resist, for they are rebellious.)
8
As for you, son of man, obey me when I speak to you: be not rebellious like this house of rebellion, but open your mouth and eat what I shall give you.
9
It was then I saw a hand stretched out to me, in which was a written scroll
10
which he unrolled before me. It was covered with writing front and back, and written on it was: Lamentation and wailing and woe!
He said to me: Son of man, eat what is before you; eat this scroll, then go, speak to the house of Israel.
2
So I opened my mouth and he gave me the scroll to eat.
3
1 Son of man, he then said to me, feed your belly and fill your stomach with this scroll I am giving you. I ate it, and it was as sweet as honey in my mouth. He said:
4
Son of man, go now to the house of Israel, and speak my words to them.
5
Not to a people with difficult speech and barbarous language am I sending you,
6
nor to the many peoples (with difficult speech and barbarous language) whose words you cannot understand. If I were to send you to these, they would listen to you;
7
but the house of Israel will refuse to listen to you, since they will not listen to me. For the whole house of Israel is stubborn of brow and obstinate in heart.
8
But I will make your face as hard as theirs, and your brow as stubborn as theirs,
9
like diamond, harder than flint. Fear them not, nor be dismayed at their looks, for they are a rebellious house.
10
Son of man, he said to me, take into your heart all my words that I speak to you; hear them well.
11
Now go to the exiles, to your countrymen, and say to them: Thus says the Lord GOD!--whether they heed or resist!
“I can’t leave this place,” I thought, “He’s talking to me. Regis is Israel and they’re in rebellion. God is giving me a scroll, right here, right now, and I have to eat these words and do something about it.”
So I did. For the next 3 ½ years, I got outside my comfort zone, found the solid friends I needed, formed faith based communities, started a college group, established an off-campus ministry house, initiated Bible studies, and helped bring new people into the faith. That night changed my life. The passage from Ezekiel on that Friday night is by far the most inspirational life changing Scriptural passage I’ve ever experienced. So it was fitting that God would use Ezekiel again.
Sunday, September 7th, 2008’s first reading is from Ezekiel 33:1-7. The reading I read on November 15th, 2002 was chapter 31 and 32. This reading was the exact next line in scripture!
Ezekiel 33:1-7
He said to me: Son of man, eat what is before you; eat this scroll, then go, speak to the house of Israel.
2
So I opened my mouth and he gave me the scroll to eat.
3
1 Son of man, he then said to me, feed your belly and fill your stomach with this scroll I am giving you. I ate it, and it was as sweet as honey in my mouth. He said:
4
Son of man, go now to the house of Israel, and speak my words to them.
5
Not to a people with difficult speech and barbarous language am I sending you,
6
nor to the many peoples (with difficult speech and barbarous language) whose words you cannot understand. If I were to send you to these, they would listen to you;
7
but the house of Israel will refuse to listen to you, since they will not listen to me. For the whole house of Israel is stubborn of brow and obstinate in heart.
8
But I will make your face as hard as theirs, and your brow as stubborn as theirs,
9
like diamond, harder than flint. Fear them not, nor be dismayed at their looks, for they are a rebellious house.
The flood gates opened up and I started crying once again! I couldn’t believe this! “How could this possibly happen to me!?!” God then blessed me with an absolute moment of Grace. He showed me all of the work He was able to do through me at Regis during those 3 ½ years: I have 4 good friends in the seminary, 2 friends that are religious sisters, and many who are doing some form of youth ministry. Would this have been accomplished without me saying yes on November 15th? We may never know, but I do know that in that moment, God showed me how a simple fiat, a perfect yes from an imperfect person, could yield so much!
I whipped away my tears and looked up at him, realizing that I was in a Spanish Mission; a 300 year old Spanish Mission 100 miles away from my house. How did I get here, on this day, with this reading? Not only that, but it was called St. Francis Xavier. St. Francis Xavier was one of the first Jesuits (my confirmation name is St. Ignatius the founder of the Jesuits) and I use St. Xavier as a password (until the writing of this blog) for so many accounts!
Now the tears were really rolling down! I knew I needed to go on a Spanish mission, but where?
The next day I showed up to work with an extra bounce in my step. Nobody knew yet, but I was going on a mission somewhere. At the end of the day, somebody approached me with a big smile and told me, “Ryan, it’s down to you and one other person for this job. You made the final cut!”
“You’ve got to be kidding me!” I thought, “I finally hear something about this job, and now I have to back out? God, I said yes, but I didn’t say when! Why are you forcing me to make this decision so quickly!!”
Leaving work, I headed for my parent’s house to share with them the news and also tell them that I was going to go on a Spanish mission somewhere. After getting through about 2 minutes of the story, my phone rang. It was my best friend and former girl friend. We had broken up about a year ago at this point, but it had been really hard on both of us. She had since joined the group called the Christian Life Movement and discovered that she was being called to a celibate life.
We had decided about 3 months ago not to talk for a while since I was having a hard time accepting the new developments and moving on. So her phone call was quite the surprise.
I answered and before we could exchange small talk pleasantries, she said, “Ryan, I just got off the plane from Peru and I need to know how you’re doing. I know something really big is going on in your life, and well, I need to know what’s going on.”
“What?!?” I said.
“I feel like you’re either moving back East, quitting your job, or getting married. What’s going on?”
I dropped the phone. I couldn’t believe it. Nobody knew yet what was going on, nobody. In shock still, I picked up the phone and right then and there told her I was quitting my job and moving to Peru. She shared with me how she had been consumed the last 3 weeks with thoughts and prayers for me, not knowing what, but knowing that something big was going on.
After our conversation, I told my parents what was going on. They were calm and measured, probably remembering a time from the past when I had a wild and crazy idea like this.
The next day I told my boss I needed to pull out of the job running and that I was quitting. Talk about a shocker! I knew I couldn’t deliver this news without also telling the story that was associated with it. So I shared it. Then I sent an email off to my Peruvian contact that I was going to travel down to Peru in January, and that I was excited to learn exactly what I’d be doing. I probably forgot to mention, we hadn’t yet talked at this point so it was a complete leap of faith, while it may be the biggest leap of faith, it was also the most secure leap I’ve made so far…
July 2008
I’ve just moved from an Investment Specialist Team Leader over to the Investment Consultant TL role, and I’m really excited to start with a new team and learn a slightly different role. The past few months have been a rollercoaster of highs and lows as far as my passion for my job. Some weeks I am disengaged and wondering if this is the right fit for me, while others I am focused on an exciting new project. After the newness of the project wears off, I realize it is not an issue of my job not being engaging enough, or exciting, but of me not being the right fit for the job.
Vanguard in a lot of ways was a dream job for me coming out of school. It was in the industry that I was excited about; it held the ethics that were non-negotiable for me, and the strong family-like culture created an environment that I wanted to become a part of. Yet, for some reason I felt like I was missing something that Vanguard couldn’t (and maybe shouldn’t) provide.
In the middle of July, a new position opened up in Pennsylvania that I thought would be a great fit for me. This position would not only offer me the opportunity to have added responsibilities, but would also allow me to transition back East, a new beginning at our headquarters might quiet my career anxiety I thought.
I prepared for the interview and case study with many trusted peers and managers, prepared a transition plan, and refined my resume. I made up my mind that I was going to throw my entire energy behind obtaining this position.
August
The night before my interview, I received a phone call from my college roommate who had since moved on and entered the St. John Vianney Seminary to become a Catholic priest. We have stayed in touch, so his call was not that out of the ordinary. He excitedly shared with me that one of our other college friends was going to be interviewed on the Catholic Channel EWTN.
Sr. Mary Hannah is a member of the Sisters of Mercy and after leaving Regis University, she entered the convent, became a religious sister, traveled to Rome, and is studying Philosophy and Theology.
In the interview, she shared many of the amazing experiences she’s had since dedicating her life to God and the Church. These included running retreats, taking care of the least fortunate, and sharing her love for God in many different ways. Her interview hit me like a ton of bricks!
During one of the commercials, my good friend Archbishop Chaput was featured along with a new book he had just written, another commercial showed Jason Everett, a former member of my Parish talking about one of his new books.
“Wow,” I thought, “what amazing work these folks are doing, and what a privilege to know them!”
I spent the rest of the evening reading about them on the internet, instead of preparing for my interview the next day. I could figure out why I was not focused on a job that just two hours before, I had wanted so badly.
The interview was average and I was disappointed that I had not performed as well as I had in previous mock-interview settings. I didn’t dwell much on my average performance, because I was off to New York City for a Yankees/Red Sox game. After boarding the plane, a very well refined 50-something year old couple sat down next to me.
After the in-flight movie started, the man next to me began to start the casual conversation that usually accompanies a 5 hour flight. After he purchased the $5 headphones to listen to the movie, we discovered our entire row’s audio equipment was non-functional. We then bonded over airline industry jokes, and began to strike up a real conversation. He shared with me how they had just taken a two week trip to Dubai, spent $150k on the total expedition, including a $42 scoop of ice cream at their hotel. He also recounted his days as a high rolling insurance sales executive, at the same time sharing how his wife, who was sitting next to me, is a Vice President at Metlife.
The conversation was fascinating. We conversed about economics, politics, business, sports, and careers. Near the end of the flight, he paused, looked at me and asked, “How old are you, and how did you turn out so well?” I was dumbfounded by the question and asked, “What?”
He then went on to explain to me how lost his children were, each with either their own diagnosed psychological problem and/or basic complacency. As he began to describe his failures and faults as a father, he started to tear up and become emotional. His words still resonate with me today, “If I had it all to do over again, I would have just been a good father…” These words pierced my heart. For the last 4 hours, I had been following his every word as he described his exotic trips, the many overpriced cars, and the spacious 12,000 foot house they just remodeled. Yet, this man was empty. Up until this point, I wanted to be this man.
After the plane landed, we exchanged business cards and he invited me to look him up after my trip to enjoy wine and dinner at his home. I took the card and promised to call him when I returned.
Upon arriving in NYC, I met a high school friend who is currently attending law school at Columbia. Instead of staying in a hotel, I decided to safe some cash and stay on his couch. As Columbia was on my short list for top Business Schools, I stopped at the campus and walked around. My goal was to observe the students and get a feel for what the culture was like. What I found was a very individualistic campus. Students didn’t walk around in groups; there wasn’t the same friendliness that I encountered at a small Catholic undergraduate school. Nobody said good morning, people weren’t smiling; it just seemed like a very competitive, self absorbed campus. The only people that said hello were two Dominican priests walking the campus praying their rosary. My gut told me this was not the environment that I wanted to spend 2 years studying business.
After arriving back in Phoenix, I attended a talk given by a Boston College Professor, Dr. Peter Kreeft. He’s been one of my favorite speakers/authors for the last 3 or 4 years, written over 50 books on philosophy, theology, and CS Lewis. So, needless-to-say, I was excited at the opportunity to hear him speak on a relevant subject, the Culture War. His talk centered on the book, The Screwtape Letters written by CS Lewis. The book is based upon the fictional letters of Screwtape, a demon, writing to his superior about how he’s tempting a certain British Solider during WWII. It provides incredible insight into the workings of evil and how temptation works in our lives. I have included a few impactful quotes that help deliver the gist of the book:
“And while he thinks that, we do not have to contend with the explicit repentance of a definite, fully recognized, sin, but only with his vague, though uneasy, feeling that he hasn’t been doing very well lately. This dim uneasiness needs careful handling. If it gets too strong it may wake him up and spoil the whole game. On the other hand, if you suppress it entirely - which, by the by, the Enemy will probably not allow you to do - we lose an element in the situation which can be turned to good account. If such a feeling is allowed to live, but not allowed to become irresistible and flower into real repentance, it has one invaluable tendency. It increases the patient’s reluctance to think about the Enemy.”
“Indeed the safest road to hell is the gradual one - the gentle slope, soft underfoot, without sudden turnings, without milestones, without signposts.”
Similarly, Dr. Kreeft’s talk focused on the 7 ways Satan is trying to win the Culture War. He broke it down into an acronym: P.H.O.N.E.Y.S.
Politicization: treating politics as a religion, realitivize religion, sacrifice local issues to work globally, love humanity but not your neighbor, and telescopic philanthropy
Happy-talk: Always talk up the success of the Church over the last 40 years without dealing with the tough facts, universal tolerance, shun the word sin
Organizationalism: Worship success, fear failure not sin, use the Church as an Earthly business
Neo-worship: Substitute new for the truth, ignore the strongest weapons in the tradition of the Church
Egalitarianism: eliminating gender differences, treating men as women and women as men, reduce justice to mean equality, promotion of sameness
Yuppies: the idea that people are unable/unwilling to sacrifice, embrace Christ without the cross
Spiritualize Everything: replace objectivity with subjectivity, replace charity with philanthropy, belief for feel
He also laid out how the Church must fight this Culture War:
Politics: Render to Caesar what is Caesars, use weapons of Christ- not compromise, don’t reverse means vs. the ends, remember to incorporate truth and love
Shut up with the Happy-talk and fight!
Don’t be an Organizational man: cleanse your mind, be contemplative
Forget fashion and Neo’s: attach to Christ, not the clock
Conquer the Sexual Revolution: eliminate selfishness, eliminate moral relativism, reduce divorces, it’s the root of most serious dissent from the Church, no civilization has existed with the belief that moral relativism as it’s core belief
Don’t be a Yuppie, be a Saint! Sacrifice, give, self-sacrifice out of love
Near the end of his talk, again, I was left with words to reflect upon. He concluded, “The only way to win this war is to have more Saints! What would this world look like with 12 Mother Teresa’s? How much more love and peace would we have? As a Catholic Christian, as a human being, we are all called to be Saints! We were created by God, to be Saints. What are you doing today, to become a Saint? I leave you with that…”
What am I doing to become a Saint? Much like CS Lewis’ Screwtape Letters, I was on a gradual down slop. Nothing major, no milestones, or signposts that would have me believe otherwise, just a certain degree of lukewarmness. Sure, Saints could be made in Scottsdale working for a great company like Vanguard, but I couldn’t. After listening to this man speak for the last 2 hours, I knew, I needed a change in my life. I was being slowly rocked to sleep by complacency in my faith life.
The next day I went to church and reflected on how these 7 temptations that the Devil was using against society, how grown in my heart. I just didn’t consider the sinful actions that came from these temptations, but the very root at which they were allowed to grow within my heart.
After about an hour of prayer and reflection, I confessed my sins, with much detail and description as to my thoughts, my motivations, and my actions. But even more than that, I went back to the beginning and recounted the progression of these thoughts, motivations, and actions.
Now, I go to confession on a monthly basis, so this shouldn’t have been such a big deal, yet it was probably the most grace-filled confession I had ever had. The burdens of my sins were lifted, my mind was clear, and my heart desired the truth and love that only God could provide. Leaving the confessional, I knew that something drastic needed to happen; I never wanted to be chained to my selfishness again.
The following day, August 31, I went to Sunday Mass and heard the following readings:
Jer 20:7–9
You duped me, O LORD, and I let myself be duped; you were too strong for me, and you triumphed. All the day I am an object of laughter; everyone mocks me.
8
Whenever I speak, I must cry out, violence and outrage is my message; The word of the LORD has brought me derision and reproach all the day.
9
I say to myself, I will not mention him, I will speak in his name no more. But then it becomes like fire burning in my heart, imprisoned in my bones; I grow weary holding it in, I cannot endure it.
Rom 12:1–2
I urge you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God, your spiritual worship.
2
Do not conform yourselves to this age but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and pleasing and perfect.
Mt 16:21–27
From that time on, Jesus began to show his disciples that he 17 must go to Jerusalem and suffer greatly from the elders, the chief priests, and the scribes, and be killed and on the third day be raised.
22
18 Then Peter took him aside and began to rebuke him, "God forbid, Lord! No such thing shall ever happen to you."
23
He turned and said to Peter, "Get behind me, Satan! You are an obstacle to me. You are thinking not as God does, but as human beings do."
24
19 Then Jesus said to his disciples, "Whoever wishes to come after me must deny himself, 20 take up his cross, and follow me.
25
For whoever wishes to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will find it. 21
26
What profit would there be for one to gain the whole world and forfeit his life? Or what can one give in exchange for his life?
27
22 For the Son of Man will come with his angels in his Father's glory, and then he will repay everyone according to his conduct.
28
23 Amen, I say to you, there are some standing here who will not taste death until they see the Son of Man coming in his kingdom."
“My God,” I thought, “This is serious! He’s not messing around. He really and truly wants me to do something for Him. I hope it’s not going to be painful…”
Even reading these passages today gives me chills and brings tears to my eyes. I had no idea what was in store for me over the next week…
I went home and promptly wrote an email to Archbishop Chaput seeking his council on how I should proceed. Within an hour he had written back to me and we agreed to chat the next day.
September
Before he called, I had already thought of how I would position what was happening in my life. If I played it down a bit, as if I was just “thinking” about a life redirection, maybe he would challenge me as much as he usually does. I’ll play it off like I’m searching for a new way to give back to the Church, or thinking of a ministry that could possibly benefit from my time and talent, but after I picked up my phone, my plan crumbled underneath me.
I distinctly remember shaking for much of the conversation, much as you would shake after getting out of a cold shower, yet I wasn’t cold. His Excellency has such a peaceful, matter of fact tone that it cut right through any plan I had.
After our normal pleasantries, he cut right to the chase, “What’s going on Ryan?” and out it came in full detail. I told him about the anxiety in my heart the last several months, I told him about the job I was applying for and how I thought if I could just get through a few more years, get an MBA at a top school, I would be set. I told him about my experiences on the plane, Dr. Kreeft’s talk, my confession, and my desire to serve God and the Church above all else.
“Well, what do you want to do about this desire?”
“Damn, he’s good,” I thought, “straight to the point, no beating around.” So out came words and ideas I hadn’t given much thought to, “I think I need to go on a mission somewhere. I think I need to live more simply. Maybe I need to learn how to love more unselfishly.” Where was this coming from? I couldn’t turn it off!
He asked permission to give my email address to a Peruvian friend of his. I agreed to learn more about this mission opportunity, and before he got off the phone he cautioned me, “Ryan, because you’re considering this change, you will be tempted to stay. I wouldn’t be surprised if they offered you that job you applied for…” I laughed and we promised to stay in contact about what might transpire out of this.
An overwhelming sense of calmness came over me, the shaking stopped, and I felt relieved that I had been so open about desires that I had suppressed. At the same time, I knew he was right about temptations to turn away from these initial signs.
The following day I went to work and on my way home, I received a phone call from one of my really good friends inviting me out to dinner. He lives down the street from me, but because he was working he temporarily (he’s from France), he didn’t own a car. So, I picked him up, we ate a great dinner at this Italian restaurant and on the way home, he asked if we could return a couple of movies he rented from Blockbuster. I agreed and we went.
For the last year, I had fasted from having television in my home. So when the opportunity came up to stop at Blockbuster, I thought it was a great chance to pick up a movie (since I was starved for some form of video entertainment). As my friend dropped off the movies, I paroled the aisles looking for an interesting flick. After an hour of wandering, I gave up. The typical movies that I enjoyed weren’t resonating with me. Nothing looked satisfying. After I announced defeat, my very patient friend looked relieved and we started to walk toward the exit. Before we got there, a movie jumped out at me: Mother Teresa.
“There’s no way I can get this movie. No way. What will my friend think of me? What about the people in line? They’ll think I’m some kind of religious nutcake…” Then I thought about how stupid this was, “I could check out a movie with a half naked woman on it, and nobody would think twice. Why CAN’T I check this movie out?”
After checking out the movie, I went back to my parent’s house to watch it and feed the cat since they were out of town for the week. I ate dinner, took care of a few chores, sat down, and threw the movie in.
This movie simply put, captivated me from the first few minutes. Here is a woman that has nothing that the world says is required to be successful: she certainly wasn’t beautiful, she didn’t have a high IQ, nor a sharp tongue, she didn’t network well, and she wasn’t going to let anybody know when she did something well. Instead, here was this simply, humble, loving woman. She never tried to do anything big; she just did little things with a lot of love!
Many of us know about Mother Teresa, but I challenge you to read the short biography of her life: http://www.motherteresa.org/layout.html
I was struck by how simple this woman was. Unlike the rich man that I met on the plane, here was a woman that wanted nothing more than to serve, not be served. I felt that God was showing me a comparison between what the world viewed as success and what he viewed as success. At a few different points in the movie, I was completely overwhelmed with how beautiful her life was, and how I desired to live and serve like she did.
That night before going to bed, I got down on my knees and prayed a very simple prayer to God:
“Father, I don’t know what you’re asking of me, but let me tell you what’s on my heart: I want to be well off. I want to own a nice, spacious, expensive home, drive beautiful new cars, make a lot of money, support a family, and be well respected in my profession. Yet, if I’m not made for this, transform my heart. I’m not humble enough to see what you want of me, but I give you permission to humble me so that I can see your will.”
In my experience, God always answers 2 types of prayers: prayer for more faith and prayer for more humility. Consistent as can be, He delivered. I woke up at 3 am that morning with the worst case of food poisoning I had ever had, I was so sick! I laid in bed for the next 4 hours, rolling around and hoping it would subside. At 7, I crawled out of bed and prayed courageously:
“God, I offer up this suffering for all the souls that do not know you, or who have strayed away. Lord, if this is the answer to my prayer, again I say to you, I give you permission to humble me so that I can see your will.”
Again he answered. I stayed home with this illness for the next 2 days. On that first morning, however, I stumbled my way toward the couch, covered myself in a blanket, and turned on the TV for some consolation. I flipped through a few channels before landing on EWTN. There, I found Mother Teresa waiting for me. She was dressed in her normal Sisters of Charity habit, in the background was a black wall, and she was speaking about love. Here are some of her quotes from that day:
“We think sometimes that poverty is only being hungry, naked and homeless. The poverty of being unwanted, unloved and uncared for is the greatest poverty. We must start in our own homes to remedy this kind of poverty.
Even the rich are hungry for love, for being cared for, for being wanted, for having someone to call their own.
I do not pray for success, I ask for faithfulness.
In this life we cannot do great things. We can only do small things with great love.
There are no great things, only small things with great love. Happy are those.
Jesus said love one another. He didn't say love the whole world.
Loneliness and the feeling of being unwanted is the most terrible poverty.”
Needless-to-say, a man who is sick, hungry but cannot eat, feverish, and emotional is going to lose it at some point along the way. Mother Teresa was that catalyst for me. It was the first good hard cry in a while. Her words just had such a sharp, piercing affect on my heart, that I was absolutely powerless against it.
After the program was over, I did what any self-respecting man would do after he cries; I turned the channel to the least emotional thing I could find: CSPAN. The network is known for its non-stop coverage of American Politics, so while there can be emotional outbursts from politicians from time-to-time, there’s no way I’m going to be getting emotional watching a debate on a new spending bill or global warming. CSPAN was actually covering the Republican National Convention this week and they were doing a special presentation on Cindy McCain, and since I knew little to nothing about her, I tuned it, and boy, did God use my stubbornness. In this special, they featured Mother Teresa. Apparently, John and Cindy adopted a child from Bangladesh in the early 90s, and here’s Mother Teresa all over this special.
What are the odds I thought? So, I turned off the television and took a nap. I didn’t want to deal with this anymore. After my nap, I woke up to find a Mother Teresa cartoon on EWTN. This was ridiculous! I hadn’t seen any specials on this woman in years, and then I get hit with all these sightings in such a short period of time?
The next day I was still very sick and stayed home from work. I reflected on what had happened the day before, and decided to look up some information on Mother Teresa. The first Google search result came back with a Wikipedia page. I clicked in and was amazed at what I saw. September 5th, 1997 was the day of her death. I double checked the date, and sure enough, it was September 5th, 2008! I dropped down on my knees and asked her to pray for me and my vocation that God would make it clear what He was asking of me.
After recovering, I felt well enough to travel down to Tucson to visit a friend attending Med School at U of A. I was excited to see her and meet the future doctors of America. What I found when I got down there surprised me. These future doctors did not seem at all concerned with the seriousness of their vocation to treat and heal people, but were more interested with the bottom line salary reward they would be earning. I heard about the cars and houses, the vacation spots, and the overall life that awaiting them. In any other month, this probably would be something that I would brush off, but not this month, not with the ultra sensitive heart God had bestowed upon me recently. I was appalled by this talk.
That night, before I went to bed, I prayed another very simple prayer:
“Father, you have shown me so much of these past 2 weeks. I see the dichotomy between worldly success and faithfulness, and I choose faithfulness. Please make it clear to me what it is that you want from me. I’m very stubborn, so please just make it clear…”
Awaking the next morning, I packed up my bag and began to head back to Phoenix. As it was a Sunday, I needed to attend Mass. I decided I would just go to Mass in Tucson, and then I could spend the rest of my day doing whatever I wanted. Selfish I know…The St. Xavier del Bac Mission was only 20 minutes away, and after doing a quick check of Mass times on my phone, was going to be the best place for me to do my Sunday duty. After arriving at the mission, I changed in the car and headed into the church, grabbed a seat one of the 300 year old pews and opened up the readings for the day. What I found sealed my fate.
Six years earlier, November 15th, 2002, I was ready to transfer from Regis University. It wasn’t the school I needed it to be. Was it Catholic? Yes, but mostly by name. It was much more secular than I expected, much more liberal, and the Mass’ didn’t feel Catholic to me. Was I running on a Cross Country scholarship? Yes, but I didn’t get along well with my team. Did I have friends? Yes, but they weren’t like the friends I had left behind at home. These friends partied too much and didn’t hold the same values that I did.
It finally came to the tipping point; I was online looking at other Catholic schools, when I realized I should just pray about this before completely changing course. I opened my daily Bible (that I hadn’t been reading) to the November 15th reading. This is what I found:
Ezekiel 31:1-32:32
On the first day of the third month in the eleventh year, the word of the LORD came to me…
http://www.usccb.org/nab/bible/ezekiel/ezekiel31.htm
http://www.usccb.org/nab/bible/ezekiel/ezekiel32.htm
I read this passage, not remembering the story of Ezekiel and was astonished. I needed to read this from the beginning. So, I did:
Son of man, stand up! I wish to speak with you.
2
2 As he spoke to me, spirit entered into me and set me on my feet, and I heard the one who was speaking
3
say to me: Son of man, I am sending you to the Israelites, rebels who have rebelled against me; they and their fathers have revolted against me to this very day.
4
Hard of face and obstinate of heart are they to whom I am sending you. But you shall say to them: Thus says the Lord GOD!
5
And whether they heed or resist--for they are a rebellious house--they shall know that a prophet has been among them.
6
3 But as for you, son of man, fear neither them nor their words when they contradict you and reject you, and when you sit on scorpions. Neither fear their words nor be dismayed at their looks, for they are a rebellious house.
7
(But speak my words to them, whether they heed or resist, for they are rebellious.)
8
As for you, son of man, obey me when I speak to you: be not rebellious like this house of rebellion, but open your mouth and eat what I shall give you.
9
It was then I saw a hand stretched out to me, in which was a written scroll
10
which he unrolled before me. It was covered with writing front and back, and written on it was: Lamentation and wailing and woe!
He said to me: Son of man, eat what is before you; eat this scroll, then go, speak to the house of Israel.
2
So I opened my mouth and he gave me the scroll to eat.
3
1 Son of man, he then said to me, feed your belly and fill your stomach with this scroll I am giving you. I ate it, and it was as sweet as honey in my mouth. He said:
4
Son of man, go now to the house of Israel, and speak my words to them.
5
Not to a people with difficult speech and barbarous language am I sending you,
6
nor to the many peoples (with difficult speech and barbarous language) whose words you cannot understand. If I were to send you to these, they would listen to you;
7
but the house of Israel will refuse to listen to you, since they will not listen to me. For the whole house of Israel is stubborn of brow and obstinate in heart.
8
But I will make your face as hard as theirs, and your brow as stubborn as theirs,
9
like diamond, harder than flint. Fear them not, nor be dismayed at their looks, for they are a rebellious house.
10
Son of man, he said to me, take into your heart all my words that I speak to you; hear them well.
11
Now go to the exiles, to your countrymen, and say to them: Thus says the Lord GOD!--whether they heed or resist!
“I can’t leave this place,” I thought, “He’s talking to me. Regis is Israel and they’re in rebellion. God is giving me a scroll, right here, right now, and I have to eat these words and do something about it.”
So I did. For the next 3 ½ years, I got outside my comfort zone, found the solid friends I needed, formed faith based communities, started a college group, established an off-campus ministry house, initiated Bible studies, and helped bring new people into the faith. That night changed my life. The passage from Ezekiel on that Friday night is by far the most inspirational life changing Scriptural passage I’ve ever experienced. So it was fitting that God would use Ezekiel again.
Sunday, September 7th, 2008’s first reading is from Ezekiel 33:1-7. The reading I read on November 15th, 2002 was chapter 31 and 32. This reading was the exact next line in scripture!
Ezekiel 33:1-7
He said to me: Son of man, eat what is before you; eat this scroll, then go, speak to the house of Israel.
2
So I opened my mouth and he gave me the scroll to eat.
3
1 Son of man, he then said to me, feed your belly and fill your stomach with this scroll I am giving you. I ate it, and it was as sweet as honey in my mouth. He said:
4
Son of man, go now to the house of Israel, and speak my words to them.
5
Not to a people with difficult speech and barbarous language am I sending you,
6
nor to the many peoples (with difficult speech and barbarous language) whose words you cannot understand. If I were to send you to these, they would listen to you;
7
but the house of Israel will refuse to listen to you, since they will not listen to me. For the whole house of Israel is stubborn of brow and obstinate in heart.
8
But I will make your face as hard as theirs, and your brow as stubborn as theirs,
9
like diamond, harder than flint. Fear them not, nor be dismayed at their looks, for they are a rebellious house.
The flood gates opened up and I started crying once again! I couldn’t believe this! “How could this possibly happen to me!?!” God then blessed me with an absolute moment of Grace. He showed me all of the work He was able to do through me at Regis during those 3 ½ years: I have 4 good friends in the seminary, 2 friends that are religious sisters, and many who are doing some form of youth ministry. Would this have been accomplished without me saying yes on November 15th? We may never know, but I do know that in that moment, God showed me how a simple fiat, a perfect yes from an imperfect person, could yield so much!
I whipped away my tears and looked up at him, realizing that I was in a Spanish Mission; a 300 year old Spanish Mission 100 miles away from my house. How did I get here, on this day, with this reading? Not only that, but it was called St. Francis Xavier. St. Francis Xavier was one of the first Jesuits (my confirmation name is St. Ignatius the founder of the Jesuits) and I use St. Xavier as a password (until the writing of this blog) for so many accounts!
Now the tears were really rolling down! I knew I needed to go on a Spanish mission, but where?
The next day I showed up to work with an extra bounce in my step. Nobody knew yet, but I was going on a mission somewhere. At the end of the day, somebody approached me with a big smile and told me, “Ryan, it’s down to you and one other person for this job. You made the final cut!”
“You’ve got to be kidding me!” I thought, “I finally hear something about this job, and now I have to back out? God, I said yes, but I didn’t say when! Why are you forcing me to make this decision so quickly!!”
Leaving work, I headed for my parent’s house to share with them the news and also tell them that I was going to go on a Spanish mission somewhere. After getting through about 2 minutes of the story, my phone rang. It was my best friend and former girl friend. We had broken up about a year ago at this point, but it had been really hard on both of us. She had since joined the group called the Christian Life Movement and discovered that she was being called to a celibate life.
We had decided about 3 months ago not to talk for a while since I was having a hard time accepting the new developments and moving on. So her phone call was quite the surprise.
I answered and before we could exchange small talk pleasantries, she said, “Ryan, I just got off the plane from Peru and I need to know how you’re doing. I know something really big is going on in your life, and well, I need to know what’s going on.”
“What?!?” I said.
“I feel like you’re either moving back East, quitting your job, or getting married. What’s going on?”
I dropped the phone. I couldn’t believe it. Nobody knew yet what was going on, nobody. In shock still, I picked up the phone and right then and there told her I was quitting my job and moving to Peru. She shared with me how she had been consumed the last 3 weeks with thoughts and prayers for me, not knowing what, but knowing that something big was going on.
After our conversation, I told my parents what was going on. They were calm and measured, probably remembering a time from the past when I had a wild and crazy idea like this.
The next day I told my boss I needed to pull out of the job running and that I was quitting. Talk about a shocker! I knew I couldn’t deliver this news without also telling the story that was associated with it. So I shared it. Then I sent an email off to my Peruvian contact that I was going to travel down to Peru in January, and that I was excited to learn exactly what I’d be doing. I probably forgot to mention, we hadn’t yet talked at this point so it was a complete leap of faith, while it may be the biggest leap of faith, it was also the most secure leap I’ve made so far…
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